the sound of silence

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly introverted or do I simply choose to be because I'm too scared to put myself out there. I've always been considered as "the quiet one" and the "listener" among my group of friends as I have a tendency to shut off sometimes and just let my mind wander off. When that happens, my friends tease me and say that I've "gone into my little bubble" again. Yep, I do tend to deal with intrapersonal communication the best. See, dialogues with myself doesn't garner any form of judgment so that fact comforts me a little.

But yes, it really bothers me when I realise that something always tends to hold me back when it comes to speaking up and sharing my thoughts. Group communication is probably the hardest for me as I end up worrying about saying the wrong thing or boring everyone in my group. It took me quite a while to get comfortable with my current group of friends in UB and become confident enough to actually express my thoughts and feelings. Right now, I'm definitely much better at group communication with them; however, the interpersonal aspect of communication is still not quite there yet.

Whenever I feel down, they always seem to sense it; I have no idea if my face is an open book or they are just amazingly astute, and they always express concern for me and ask if I want to talk about it. My usual response to them is a tiny smile and an assurance that I'm fine just so that I don't have to talk about it. Despite their constant reassurances that they are always there if I need to talk, I somehow can't seem to bring myself to talk about my problems or feelings with many people. Even telling my closest and oldest friends can prove to be quite challenging for me let alone a group of my schoolmates whom I've only known for about a year, give or take?

I'm most comfortable with penning (typing?) down my thoughts in a journal. Well, at least I still have a regular outlet for me to vent. One of my friends did warn me that one day I'll most probably just explode with all the pent up feelings cooped up inside of me.

Failure in communication has not only rendered me unable to talk about my problems, it has also caused quite a few misunderstandings in some of my friendships. This is definitely unhealthy and I know that I should really learn how to open up and let others in. More positive self-talk would probably help me to sort my feelings and thoughts so that I am able to gain more confidence in communicating them to others. Well, my fear of expressing thoughts has led to one good thing; that is controlling the impulse to run my mouth off at anyone who annoys me. There has been more than one instance when I really felt like lashing out at certain people when they say or do something to tick me off, but manage to control myself thanks to my internal monologues who tell me to calm down and remind me that retorting back in a fit of anger will only cause more damage.


All in all, communication is something that everyone ought to learn to do effectively not just in resolving conflicts or talking about one's problems, but also in everyday life. Afterall, relationships can only be built and stay strong through good communication.